My Partner’s Invitation into my Self-Pleasure Practice

Except, when I looked at porn, it was more performative. I was like, "Oh. I'm supposed to make this kind of a face? I'm supposed to bend and contort my body in this sort of a way? And I have to do angles to look a certain way?" And then I also remember.

I remember attempting to demonstrate self-pleasure to partners before, like to my ex, for example. And he would override it immediately with his own desires. And he would go for what he wanted, and he would start to ask me to do things that he wanted to see.

And I didn't have a voice, as a young woman to say, "hey, this isn't about you right now. Remember? This is me. I really want to show you what brings me pleasure, not for the sake of what pleases you, but just for what really pleases me. Because I'd like for you to be a part of that journey with me." Hello. Hello, my loves. Hola, hola.

Bienvenidos. Welcome to my podcast. I'm Catrina Armendariz, and I'm your host. I'm also a somatic therapist, sex and intimacy coach, and I'm the founder of Esencia, an online subscription platform launching this fall with sex education, sensual yoga, and other embodiment practices to support you in feeling fully alive in your body again.

Meditation, breath, work, movement, you name it. In this podcast, I invite you into my journey through sexuality and all things alive and evolutionary in my heart. Join me as I open the door to my most intimate and vulnerable moments and share some of the wisdom I've gained through over 30-years of tantric and embodiment practices.

This is, disclaimer, a shame-slaying podcast. So if you're not quite ready to get rid of that shame, this might not be the podcast for you. But if you are ready to step into that fire of transformation, this is the place and this is the space for you. This will nourish your heart's blossoming, your reclamation of outrageous pleasure, your fuck yes energy, and your transformation into your most empowered self.

Are you ready for this? If you are enjoying this podcast, please rate and review so we can get this out to people all around the world desiring to dive into this beautiful experience along with us. Okay, love you all.

Let's dive in.

Hello. Hello, my beautiful friends. I've missed you all so much. So, so much. So, today's episode is coming live to you, I mean it's live for me, but it's being recorded on the north shore of O'ahu.

I have moved back home to O'ahu, and I'm watching the sunset on the beautiful beach of Waimea. And it has been nothing short of amazing since I've been back here.

I just got back here, maybe like about a little over a month ago, a month and a half ago from the Big Island. I've never, ever spent time on the north shore. So I was born and raised on O'ahu, inland, central O'ahu.

And I left when I was 13 years old, and I was raised by my grandparents, my maternal grandparents. So I had a very sheltered upbringing, very helicopter style parenting, and at the same time, also very hands-off parenting. So the easiest way for my family, my grandparents and my aunties, who were quite young at the time, teenagers going into their twenties, the easiest way for them to caretake for me was just to put strict rigid boundaries on me and say, "you can't leave the house".

For 13 years of my life here on the island, I missed out on this most incredible, incredible stretch of coast, which is famously known for these wonderful shore breaks, or surf breaks. So it's called the Seven Mile Miracle on the north shore on Kamehameha highway of…

I think it's like, at least 36 different surf spots known famously worldwide. So we have Leftovers, Waimea Bay, where I'm at right now, Log Cabins, Rock Pile, Off the Wall, Backdoor, Banzai Pipeline, Pupukea Gas Chambers, Rocky Point, Kammieland, V Land, and Freddy's.

I believe I've heard someone say Lanis, Laniakea I don't even know what it's called. It's all new to me. So surfers come here every year to maximize this most potent availability and stretch of incredible surf breaks when the swell hits Hawai'i.

So that's the north shore in the winter season. And actually, I have been here during surf season once before when my friends from New York City, so all of my friends, most of my friends are surfers. Most of the places that I've lived all across the world are very famous for surf.

So, Cabo, Todos Santos, Oaxaca, Puerto Escondido. I lived right next to Puerto and out in, I believe, Sri Lanka. And then most of my friends have moved out to a lot of very popular surf spots, Lisbon being one of them or Portugal being one of them.

And so my friends from New York City took, like, a vacation out here, and we hung out on the beach. And honestly, I was so unmoved. I was like, "what is so cool about this? I don't get it." But they were just so in awe of it because they're surfers. And I went on surf trips with them, Puerto Rico.

But I never surfed, never got into it. And the reason for that is I was quite traumatized by my very first surf session with my brother, who was forced by my family to take me out. He did not want to do it. And my brother wasn't like a top surfer.

So my experience was just horrid and horrific. And I said, "you know what? I'm never, ever going to want to do this ever again. This sucks." And then I come here during this beautiful, lovely surf season, and I've only been here for about a month and a half, but I've been on the north shore almost every day and I've been watching the surfers on these gorgeous waves, which has always been a dream of mine to see these big, beautiful waves on the north shore.

And I finally got to see them and I've literally dreamed of the waves up here. They have hit my dreams consistently over the years, over my lifetime. But it's just never been a priority of mine to make my way out here and to really take it in on that very intimate level.

And not just because friends are in town or because I'm trying to escape the house, my family, but really just to be with the ocean and to be connected with her, to intimately connect with her.

It's more been connecting with the moon in very calm waters. But now I really just appreciate the beauty of these incredibly large, stunning breaks of waves just coming through.

They're so beautiful. And to see these people mostly really incredibly hot and sexy men, but also some really stunning women, to see them glide on water, to dance, literally dance on water in this majestic expression of flow.

And I don't even have words for it. It is so orgasmic to just imagine what it must feel like to be riding these waves. And so I've finally been called to learn. And I had my first lesson today.

Per usual, with my fortune in this life, I met, like, a world class surfer who, I met a few of them, but one specifically who is a coach and was generous enough to take me out and teach me for my first session.

And just within an hour, under an hour, I had the most amazing experience of catching waves, of standing on the board and riding waves. And it was just so beautiful.

It was so amazing. I also got urchins in my feet. So forewarning, for those of you who don't know, you don't want to walk on anything. You don't want to put your foot down on rocks because of fauna.

And I was forewarned, but not explicitly. So urchins will leave their spines in your feet or your legs or whatever it is that you brush up against them with.

And it's not the most pleasant experience. I did go to an emergency clinic to get them to pull it out, but apparently they're way too deeply embedded, so they're just going to naturally get pushed out. But infection is something that's a concern. So you'll want to get some antibiotics just to be safe.

Maybe even a tetanus shot if you're not up to date on that. Anyhow, so today I'm flying. I'm so excited. I imagined I would record this episode as I watch these hot, stunning, beautiful surfers surf. But this is a really good time to just to do it more intimately with you all after my own first session.

Okay, so what to catch you up on? I've had more cervical orgasms with this beautiful, beautiful, gorgeous man. Oh, my God. He's honestly, I would say, the most beautiful man I've ever been with. Again, another young gentleman who surfs and who comes here every season.

And the experience with him is one that is so memorable. I will always and forever cherish the experiences that we had intimately. Why?

I, for the first time, met someone who was incredibly attentive. Now, this is something that he just uniquely has. It's such an incredible gift. He's got a most incredible way of attuning to a nervous system.

And this is important when it comes to connection. Right. This is what essentially most of my coaching sessions are about. It's really looking for readiness for someone to start to attune to their own nervous system and sharing tools, cultivation practices, to help them to really be aware of where there are.

And what does that mean exactly? Right, well, you know what your needs are. You know, if you're desiring slowness, quickness, you know, if you need pause or if you need more interaction with people, you really just attune to your body through your nervous system.

Is your breath shallow? Are you breathing deeply? Are you feeling relaxed or are you feeling anxious? And how do you regulate your nervous system when it's activated and not activated for a purpose, but activated because of fear, anxiety, some sort of discomfort.

Some sort of discomfort that would naturally cause us to, if it's too strong, to dissociate from our body and to be disembodied and to make decisions that are not fully from a place of embodiment of what we're actually needing, but would be based more on projections of the mind of triggers, traumas of our past and our history, or projections of what we're desiring from our future, which are informed by our past.

And so here I meet this gentleman who's quite young. He's what is 28? I think he's turning 29. He just turned 29. Maybe I shouldn't say that I shouldn't give his birthday away.

And he's incredibly aware. He reads me so well, and I've never met someone who could read me so quickly. Most people I have to just kind of be patient with and understand that they're just not going to get it.

And it's totally fine. I'm not there to be gotten. I'm just there to serve. And I'm there to experience connection and to learn and to grow through our connection. But in this case, I meet this gentleman, and immediately he reads me, and I'm like, whoa. Whoa. This is a lot.

And this is intimidating, and this is scary because he's young, he doesn't know how to use this power, right? So this is something that can be used for manipulation. That might not be something that's intentional, that you're just going to go into an experience. You read people well, and you just go in and get what you want and careless about the effects of how that's going to not leave someone feeling higher or better or as they were, but going to leave them feeling unsafe in their nervous system.

And that's kind of the experience I had with him. At the same time, it was just incredible to be in the presence of someone who has capacity to bring himself into the present moment as much as he did. And it all makes sense. It's all coming together.

He surfs professionally, so for him, he's been able to attune to nature. On this level, he cultivates consistently the capacity to read with expanded awareness the ocean, the wind, the weather patterns, and the culmination, or the.

What's the word I'm looking for? The comprehensive, all encompassing simultaneity of his presence, of his awareness, translated, right?

Like, translated from the cultivation that he does on the ocean on nearly daily basis into his human interaction. And I felt that and I saw it, and I was like, whoa, this is a lot. And I really, wow, I'm. Whoa. And the sex was amazing because of that.

The sex was amazing. Um, for the first time ever, too, I showed and demonstrated to him how I self pleasure with my glass dildo, which, as you know, is a recent practice for me.

And typically, I would feel a lot of shame, actually around this, around demonstrating my self-pleasure practice. And why? Because when I grew up exploring my own sexuality, I also had access to porn.

So I started exploring sexuality around four- years old, at the same time that I started exploring different states of consciousness and deep practices of prayer and devotion and meditation and intimate connection with nature. And then I started to see these visuals and images and clips, films of pornographic material that didn't demonstrate pleasure practices that looked like what felt natural in my own body.

So for me, my self-pleasure practice is very soft. It's very nuanced. It's very gentle. And there's not much movement. But there are times when there is a lot of movement. And that comes after the slowness of just really attuning to my nervous system and my body and being with it and breathing and sounding and touching.

Breath, touch, sound, movement and gyrating and moving, but in very subtle, nuanced, soft ways. And this is what has brought me so much pleasure in my orgasmic journey since I was a young girl. Except when I look at porn, it was more performative.

It was like, oh, I'm supposed to make this kind of a face. I'm supposed to bend and contort my body in this sort of a way. And I have to do angles to look a certain way. And then I also remember attempting to demonstrate self-pleasure to partners before, like to my ex, for example.

And he would override it immediately with his own desires. And he would go for what he wanted. And he would start to ask me to do things that he wanted to see. And I didn't have a voice, as a young woman to say, "hey, this isn't about you right now, remember? This is me. I really want to show you what brings me pleasure.

Not for the sake of what pleases you, but just for what really pleases me. Because I'd like for you to be a part of that journey with me." Didn't know how to express any of that with him. And so when he would dominate and tell me what to do, I'd try.

And then he would shut it down. He would ignore it. And I'd be like, all right, just go with what he wants. This is one of the reasons why I did not care about sex so much with him, even though we had a lot of it. I was quite young, right? Self abandonment, unknowingly.

So here I am with this new gentleman. I gotta give him a name.

Kangaroo.

I'll call him Kang. Kang is actually an asian name, but it'll work. Kang, short for Kangaroo. Okay. Actually, it feels weird calling him a name that he's not. So let me just call him a gentleman.

So I show him my self-pleasure practice, right? Like, I show him my glass dildo and how I insert it and he pulls it out and it hurts. And he notices that. And he's like, "wow, that looks really doesn't look like it's so comfortable for you." And he just kind of notices everything.

And then I close my eyes and I go into my self-pleasure practice with it, and I show him how I like to touch myself. It just feels so comfortable. And it feels so natural for me to do this with him because I feel so in my body when I'm with him. And then I open my eyes and I look at him because I'm just feeling like something's missing.

I need something. I'm like, "would you like to help me? Would you like to play with my clitoris?" And so I start to show him my clitoris and we take a really slow approach to just exploring that. And I really enjoy his feedback.

Like, he's so present and communicative and his communication is clear. He's an excellent communicator. I love that he's compassionate with his communication. He's clear, he's soft and just so efficient. Everything that he would say to me just landed immediately. I got it.

Whereas men had tried to communicate what he tried to communicate, and it never landed. There's a lot to say about my own evolution in this. A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. But I really want to celebrate, first and foremost just the experience of what had happened.

So he feels like for my clitoris, I show him how to like with him, my arousal is spontaneous. So we have two different types of arousal that we can classify or one of the frameworks, and it's spontaneous arousal.

And then there's responsive arousal. So they like to say, and I don't know that it's so cut and dry in this way. I don't like to give absolutes, but they like to say that men have more spontaneous desire and women have more responsive desire.

Now, I've seen all across the board many women who have spontaneous and many men who have responsive. Most of the men that I've been interacting with have responsive desire.

And most women would probably report that most men that they interact with have spontaneous desire. So I think it's really a matter of your experiences and the people that you're meeting, what you're going to see. But ultimately, I would say for the most part, we all have responsive desire when it comes to depth and intimacy, unless we've cultivated the capacity to be very deeply intimate with ourselves as well as with other people. Yeah.

And that includes the safety aspect, that we feel safe in our bodies, safe to experience our erotic energy alone and with other people, other persons. And so spontaneous desire is when we have or spontaneous arousal, it's immediate.

It doesn't take time to warm someone up. They're ready to go. The way the wind blows, the way that a woman or a man just kind of glances at you, this kind of walk that they do like, their little nuanced expressions when someone smiles at you, when someone touches you or anything of that sort, these subtle experiences, their desire is there, their arousal is pretty much instantaneous, doesn't require a lot of warm up.

Now then there's responsive desire, which requires time. I think in the Taoist tradition, they have, like, an analogy of boiling water, where they liken women's desire. Now, I'm just going to put it very plainly and simply as responsive desire to a pot of boiling water.

So a spontaneous desire is akin to the flame. You turn the flame on. It's already on, it's on. And responsive desire is akin to the water that gets boiled. You put it into the pot, you put the pot over the flame, and then you wait.

You wait for. And in the tea ceremony tradition. So I don't know specifically. I can't remember the history of it. I think it's China. They have descriptions for each of the types of boil, bubbles that come up as you boil water, from the very inception of tiny, tiny, tiny little bubbles to these big, huge, like bubbles popping out of the surface of the water.

And so even that in itself encapsulates or captures the, the breadth and the diversity of the levels and the stages that someone in response of desire can go through from the initial contact to fire or someone else's strong desire impulse to the point when they're now in that full on boil of the big bubbles coming to the top in consistent fashion.

Just like I'm at a loss for words. I haven't been speaking enough lately with adults, but you get the point, you get the gist of it, right? So we have the flame, instant spontaneous, and then we have the water, which takes a bit of warm up, takes time until it reaches its peak.

And with this man, I'm experiencing spontaneous arousal. He can just look at me and I'm like, panties wet. Whoa. In fact, the very first time we spent time together, we watched sunset near his house.

And I think it was just like a couple of hours that we were on the beach. And we went back to his place immediately, because I was like, "oh, my God, I really like this guy." Went back to his place immediately, and

we went back to his place. Someone pulled up with their really strong lights, and I'm blinded. And I was completely distracted. We went back to his place pretty immediately, and we just started to explore each other. And it was so lovely. Oh, my God, it was so beautiful to kiss this gorgeous, beautiful, hot man.

But yeah, I changed out of my bathing suit, and as I pull my bikini off and I throw it into the backseat of my car, I see like sheets of cum, of my cum all over it.

And I'm like, what? I haven't seen this ever in my life. This was 2 hours. It might have been longer than 2 hours. It might have been from the moment he reached out to me and was like, "hey, do you want to surf sunset?"

And that was like midday. And probably just the idea and anticipation of being able to explore erotic energy with him just turned me on, like, wildly. So I was so excited, so my desire, my arousal with him is instantaneous, it's spontaneous.

And frankly, to be completely honest, it's not that with 99% of people, not to the point where my panties are dripping wet like that, it takes time for me to really connect with someone, to really deeply get to know them and to feel safe with them, to trust them.

Now, what's also changed is my own personal evolution, that I've gone through a lot of stages of growth and integration since these last partners, even that I've been with. As I've opened back to intimacy, physical intimacy, from my celibacy, I'm noticing that sex has been getting better and better with each person, and it's better than ever.

All of the sex that I've had post-celibacy is better than almost every sex I've had prior to celibacy, barring one or two experiences that I can remember saliently in my mind. Right?

Yeah. And so for me to have this experience with this gentleman where my arousal is spontaneous, I'm out of this world, beyond this world, excited and totally amped up for the potential of incredible, amazing, ongoing sex.

He watches me. I guess I shared all of that to say when I'm with him, I'm wet immediately. He doesn't have to say a single word. He doesn't have to do anything. My pussy is going to be dripping immediately, the moment I smell him or see him, actually, the moment I hear his voice, because he's got the creamiest, most milky, yummy, delicious, soft voice.

It's just so beautiful. I'm not the kind of woman who likes, like, a deep, husky voice. It does nothing for me. I also don't like a nasally voice, which is the gentleman that I met before him. I like a voice that has a richness to it.

We call it Shukra in Vedic, in Sanskrit, shukra. It's got this richness, this depth of presence. Of presence. Yeah.

And I could feel that in his voice when he speaks. And it was just like I was being bathed in luxury of pleasure just listening to his voice. Yeah. So I direct him, like, I show him how to reach into my vagina.

I had already demonstrated to him our first night. I think it was the first night, or was the second night. Wow. I don't even remember now. The second night, I think it was, I demonstrated to him the vulva, vagina, the three gates, the clitoris, the g zone, and the deep vaginal zone.

And I explained how the deep vaginal zone, the cervical area, for me, brings me so much pleasure and how the clitoris is more like a hot button. It really excites pleasure, but it will completely short-circuit.

I don't really care for it. And I'm already wet with him. Right. So we don't need to do all that stuff. I'm just craving to feel his big cock inside of me. His cock is like the perfect size.

Oh, my God. Future husband. If you end up listening to this podcast, I'm more than confident that this experience of expansion that I'm having around sexuality and intimacy is just going to continue to expand. So I'm confident that you're going to be an upgrade to this experience.

So please don't listen to this and think that this can never be matched. Actually, as I say this, I already know that the person that I'll meet will have all the confidence and trust they will know, because you just know. These are just things that you just intuitively feel.

So I didn't need to give that disclaimer, but I wanted to put it out there anyway.

So I guide his fingers into my vagina, and I tell him to just kind of, like, slide it up. And then he just kind of feels for the clitoris. And it's so beautiful because the feedback he gives is incredible, right?

He's like, oh, it feels like there's two. And I just kind of explain how my inner labia is and how there's our. What's the other hole? The urinary tract, like the hole there, urethra. And I said, but the clitoris is like, a little up.

And I just wait till he touches it, and I give him a yes. I'm like, that's it. But it's hard for him to kind of keep on it. And we figured it out pretty quickly that the more my arousal peaked the harder it got and the easier it was for him to find it, which was really cool.

If we didn't go through the slowness of that exploration together, where there's literally no shame and no judgment. It was just like this open. I felt like I was this patient, which for me, by the way, everybody is a total turn on. I've always had a desire and fantasy to have sex with my surgical doctors.

I've had a lot of surgeries, and I've had a lot of hot men give me my surgeries.

It very much felt like I was like a patient just kind of laying on the bed and in this very vulnerable, but very happy and comfortable and trusted experience. And he's just, like, communicating with me the whole time, like, mutual communication.

So he's playing with my clitoris, and I've got the glass dildo in me, and it's so beautiful. And at some point I'm like, I want you inside of me. And I mount him, and I don't think I immediately sat on him, but at some point, I did sit on him cowgirl and I had communicated to him, I don't even know if he remembers this, the very first day we met, or I think it was the second night. I said, "look, I'm going to need your help in.

If you ever see me doing something that you think might not be pleasurable for me, because I might have that habit, I need you to pause me." And I just left it at that. And I just kept it very simple because I felt like, we're just going to plant the seed.

If he remembers it, awesome. If he doesn't, I'll communicate it with more expansion and depth next time it's relevant. And it was so beautiful because as I was in cowgirl on him, I went into a habitual mode of something that I would have done that's not really pleasurable for me, which is sort of like a jackhammering almost.

And we had already discussed this. We already told him how much I don't really like that kind of sex. And for me, I really love this pressure up against my cervix, like, ongoing, but undulating, like, waves. And then he was like, "is that pleasurable for you?" And I kind of paused, and I was about to think about, like, I was thinking about it, and I'm like, not, yeah, it is, but I'm pretty sure it could be more pleasurable, is what I'm thinking in my head.

And he's like, "why don't you try this?" And then he explains something super like in his communication again, remember, just super succinct, super clear, super compassionate with his soft, beautiful voice. And I receive it so well. And he's like, why don't you do a little.

I'm not going to give too much details. I don't want to give it all away. He's like, "why don't you do a little bit like this?" And he shows me, and I went right into it immediately, and I was like, "oh, my God."

It changed the game for me. I was like, "whoa, that's it." With the guy that I had sex with over the summer when I had that first cervical orgasm, I spoke about him in my transcendental orgasm episode. He had the ability to literally shift my hips on him for me to get the pressure that I want in my deep vaginal zone, like, immediately.

He just knows. He knew it. He knew how to do it. All I had to tell him was, do that thing you do and he'll do it. And I thought to myself, because I did have another partner after him, I was like, dang, how would I ever teach someone to do that to me?

Because I don't even know exactly what that other gentleman did. These guys need names. This is so challenging. I have to respect their privacy. Their names are so beautiful, too, though. They're so exotic.

Their names are just so. Wow. Yeah, okay. Even just, like, saying their names are sexy.

Focus.

He tells me, he uses his incredible capacity of perception and his incredible capacity for communication, and he's like, "is that enjoyable for you? Why don't you try something like this?" And then I try it, and I'm like, "yeah, that's it." And then I began my slow climb of orgasmic bliss.

So from, like, peak orgasm, it was a blend, actually, it was a blend of peak and valley. So I was kind of going through, like, a peak valley, kind of going up to another peak valley, going upwards, a bit, slanting upwards to another peak.

But it was a very beautiful, slow progression. And so this happened, actually, because he then put his finger on my clitoris because he now knows how I like it to be touched.

He knows everything. He knew from watching me with my dildo. And he did it perfectly. And I told him, I communicated. Communication is so essential. As he was playing with my clitoris while my dildo was in me, I said, you'll know it's enjoyable for me when I do this, this or that.

And I said, and when it is enjoyable, when I tell you, that's it. I said, don't get creative and try something different. Just consistency. Consistency is key. That once you find the thing that works, that you don't try something different, that you don't veer off of it, that you try to keep that same exact thing just going and going and going.

And if I want more intensity or if I want more quickness, like, if I want the speed to increase or anything of that sort, you'll see it, right? It'll be obvious. But don't try to get creative and try something different, ever. Just do it. What works?

So he did, and it was incredible. Oh, my God. Back arched all the way back. I was just like, "oh, this is heaven." And the only downside, I would say, is with him, I lost the sense of emotional safety that I really needed and desired to feel like a deep, ongoing and lasting connection with him because he's young and what I gather is that for him, boundaries and people pleasing are still something that he's learning to refine. Right.

And he needs a lot of space to himself with someone like me, especially where I'm going to kind of bombard the experience and take it over. Yeah. And that's not to say that he doesn't have that power over me, too.

I can easily give that to him, and I do because I love it. But still, there's two people in this experience, and my experience is my experience, and his is his. That was beautiful to me. And after we talked about it a little bit, and he says, I was just like, thank you.

That was incredible. Thank you so much for telling me, for asking me, for pausing me, because that just made all the difference. Obviously, I didn't have to say any of that. He could see it. He knew it. But for me, it's nice to also have talk therapy and kind of break it down so that communication is really clear, like a post session clarity.

And he said, yeah, when I watched you with your dildo, when I watched you with your glass, you very much were doing something that was more like this. And it just made sense to me. Or he didn't make it about him, but he was like, so it was really simple.

As simple as that. And then it was a magical morning because immediately as we get out of bed, he checks los redes, he checks the socials, and he finds out that the surf competition is on. So we go to Sunset Beach, which is right next to his place, and that's where the competition was at that time.

So the competitions, they travel from beach to beach to beach, depending on the time of the season and how the swell is hitting the reefs and creating incredible waves on certain areas, I guess.

I don't know. I'm not an expert yet. So the competition is on for the day because the conditions are perfect. And you typically find out, like, the first call that we get is 7:45 in the morning is when we'll know is the competition on, or are they going to hold and they'll let us know at 8:45 or at 9:45 or at 10:45.

And it was ON. And we went to the beach. We walked over, it was like five minutes away. And guess who I get to watch surf for the first time ever in my life? Kelly Slater. I've never fangirled in my life, ever. I'm not a fangirl kind of person.

I fangirl for people that I know because I just adore their hearts and I want to celebrate them. And I'm so excited to see them successful and thriving. But I think part of that was also the fact that this is his profession. This is his passion, too, and also a passion that I'm really deeply recognizing and discovering.

And then I see Kelly out there, and for me, it's just like, oh, my God, here is a legend out on the water. This gentleman is, this dude is in his 50s, just turned 52, I believe. Yeah. And he's out there killing it on the WSL World Surf League, which is the highest crème de la crème competition level that you can be on in the surf pro sport.

Forgive my lack of knowledge around this. If any professional surfers or surfers, period, are listening, I'm learning and I appreciate all of your help and support in getting me there. So it was just magical. I'm like, wow, this couldn't be any better of a day.

This day is just perfect. And I'm laying on the sand and I'm just like, flashbacks to sex and watching these incredible waves coming in and wow. Yeah, it was just amazing and so beautiful. So what's the point of this episode?

Actually, there's a lot I want to discuss on this episode, so this is going to be a pretty long one. Let's see how far you all get through it. Thankfully, thanks to AI, you'll know where to skip around to get the information and the stories you really desire to dive into.

So this gentleman, by the way, everybody, when I have sex, when I have sex, I have unprotected sex. I don't use condoms and I don't use contraceptives. I'm also very mindful in who I have sex with.

I'm not out there having sex with just anyone, just to scratch an itch. Oh, my God. I don't resonate with the culture of that personally. I don't shame it. It's not something that feels alive for me in my own body.

But when I do see someone that I want to have sex with, I make sure they know. I communicate to them. I let them know, like, first day, even if I don't think we're going to have sex, if there's someone who's interested in having sex with me and we're going to have a friendship, I want them to know.

And so I told the gentleman, hey, when I have sex, I don't use condoms, and I don't take contraceptives. And I time my cycle. I time my cycle for fertility. However, when this gentleman and I had a cuddle session sleep-over night, I looked at my calendar, and I found out that it was actually my most fertile day.

I was ovulating. So I told him, I said, this isn't the most optimal time for us to be having sex, but we were both a little bit high. He was pretty high. I don't typically get high. I don't know if it's legal for me to say that we were high, so I won't say that we were high on.

We were high on life. He was a bit higher on life than I was, though.

And we have great sex. And then this is not the surf competition day. This is a day before that. This is like a time that we've met before, the surf competition day. Like another completely different session of ours, and he freaks out.

It's the first time we have sex. He freaks out because this is all new to him, right? To have sex with someone unprotected who's not uncontraceptives on the day that they're ovulating. And I love cervical orgasms, so I want his penis literally rubbing against my cervix.

This dude is freaked the fuck out. Oh, my God. The universe is so beautiful. I love how it organizes for our evolution. It is no mystery to me that we've known each other in previous lifetimes, that we were connected in this lifetime to help one another grow in the ways that we're meant to grow in this moment of our lives.

So I think it was like a couple or a few days after we first had sex that I went back to the beach that I normally hang out with, which is right next to his house, and I see him running to go catch, running to go surf, and I stopped my car to say hi and it just chat him up a bit and he's totally freaked out.

And I'm trying to figure out what's going on with this dude. Things were so smooth with us and then all of a sudden he's acting weird af and I find out over the course of the next few weeks or a couple of weeks that he's freaked out about potentially getting me pregnant.

And that kind of just changed the game for us completely, the fact that this was just so new for him. And so what I wanted to discuss on this episode was the reasons why I choose not to use contraception, the reason why I don't have protected sex.

And number one, let's just talk about condoms. So my philosophy is, if I'm not going to have sex with you without a condom, because for some reason I just don't trust you.

I don't feel comfortable or confident about the way you discern your choices in women or the way that you discern your sexual experiences. I'm not going to have sex with you, period.

With or without a condom. Putting a condom on isn't going to change that. Right? So it's more about I'm not going to use a condom as an excuse to ignore the things that would tell me this is not a good idea.

And so I'm confident when I make a choice in having sex with someone that they are fully embodying what I'm desiring for my safety physically in that experience, that they are someone who makes wise decisions that align with my desires around safety.

And then there's the lubricant that comes with condoms. There's the spermicides that goes with condoms. And when it comes to lubricants, so we have what are called, there's a couple of things that matter a lot in terms of the health of a vagina's microbiome.

Now, the microbiome, let me just pull up my notes for those who aren't familiar with what a microbiome is. Okay, so the microbiome is the balance of microorganisms that naturally inhabit the vagina. Not specifically the microbiome of the vagina. Right.

We have a microbiome for the skin, for the internal skin, which is our digestive system and our mouth and so on and so forth. Now, for the microbiome, the healthy balance of the microbiome of the vagina. We want an ideal pH.

And that pH naturally is in the range of about 3.8 to 4.5. And a high vaginal pH that's above 4.5 is associated with increased risk of bacterial vaginosis, also known as BV. And many commercially available lubricants have ph levels that exceed that far exceed 4.5.

And so, ideally, if we're going to introduce any sort of a lubricant, anything that is water soluble or anything that is liquid into the vagina, that ph has to meet the healthy ph of the vagina.

And if it doesn't, then it's going to cause imbalances where the body is trying to make up for this introduction of an entirely different pH, it has to pendulate, kind of swing in a completely opposite direction to accommodate this difference.

On top of this pH requirement, we have something that's called osmolality and osmolality Osm… Osmolality, O, refers to a substance's ability to draw moisture out of tissues and cells.

An exposure to a lubricant with a higher osmolality than the normal vaginal secretions can result in vaginal tissue, which literally will shrivel up because the moisture in those cells is extracted, it's pulled out. I can't remember that process.

Scientifically speaking, this process leads to irritation and a breakdown of the mucous membrane barrier, which protects the vagina from infection. And so, disrupted vaginal mucous membranes have been associated not only with irritation and discomfort, but also with increased risks of sexually transmitted infections, such as HIV.

And many currently marketed lubricants have high osmolalities, which are detrimental to the vaginal tissue, not to mention now, in addition to ph and in addition to osmolality, the toxic chemicals that exist in the condoms. So we have chlorhexidine gluconate, which is a potent disinfectant chemical and that can kill the probiotics or the healthy bacteria that live in the vagina, like lactobaccilius.

I don't know if I'm saying these things right, but I'm pretty close, and that's good enough for now. There's parabens, which are preservatives. And these preservatives can cause irritation of vaginal mucous membranes, which are linked to genital rashes, fertility problems and endocrine disruption.

Endocrine disruption. And then there's cyclomethicone, cyclomethicone, cyclopenticiluxan and cyclo tetracyluxan, commonly found in silicone based lubricants. And these are linked to reproductive harm and uterine cancer.

And animal studies and almost no research has been conducted to examine the long term impacts of vaginal exposure to these chemicals in women. Oh, right. And then we have the undisclosed flavors or fragrances, which that's where they hide all the things that they do not have to disclose that they can consider a fragrance or flavor.

They don't have to tell you what they use for these things. They can literally just label it fragrance, flavors. Right. And then you have no clue. You have no idea what chemicals, what they've used to create that. That's how a lot of companies hide that kind of information in cosmetics.

Yeah. So these harsh chemicals in lubricants can be toxic to vaginal tissue and its microbiome. And I don't want to bother. I do not want to bother with that. Why would I bother with that when I can have a healthy fucking penis in my vagina with someone who's conscious?

What's the point? I also don't have sex with more than one person at a time. If I'm having sex with someone, I don't leak my energy all over the place. Right? I'm not like, sex with him is great, but who else is around the corner?

No, I'm in an experience to fully grow from it, to fully integrate it, to fully learn from it, to really see and lean into the mirrors of what that experience is going to offer me. And I can't do that fully, quickly, efficiently, intensely, let's say efficiently and effectively.

And I can't fully feel it if I'm spreading my energy into other distractions. And that's what I will call anything else, they would be distractions to me, and I have no desire to go there. So for me, it's one partner at a time.

And I prefer that the person that I'm having sex with is also doing the same thing. And I don't just prefer it.

I haven't met someone who I'm okay with them having sex with someone else when we're having sex. If for any reason, they're having sex with anyone else, then sex with me will stop unless I know that person that they're having sex with and I trust and I know the discernment of who they're choosing as partners.

Right outside of myself, I'm a magical creature. The likelihood of meeting someone else like me is very rare. In random parts of the world, in certain beautiful hippie towns, it's not that rare, but still.

Okay, so we have condoms that are non lubricated, that don't have spermicide, and that's awesome. And you can find, and you can do the research on that, and you can carry those on you. I do not like introducing anything that's not skin into my vaginal area, unless it's my glass, because glass, again, I talked about this before.

Glass is burrow silicate glass specifically. It's body safe, meaning to say it can be cleaned. It's not going to carry bacteria that's going to grow on it because you can clean it before you penetrate.

And a penis is going to have its own healthy, natural microbiome. And I want the immediate impact to show for me of how that person's biome naturally integrates with mine, because it's very possible, and it has happened that I've had partners who, when we have unprotected sex, my fauna, like my flora, my microflora will go wild, and I might get a yeast infection or something, or bacterial vaginosis pretty immediately.

And that will tell me, oh, we're not a good fit. I wasn't fully conscious and aware of certain things. This is a good time to start to integrate that experience with the person. Don't have sex with them again. Really go inwards, heal the body, and really just reflect and soften into an expanded awareness around how something about the energetics of my desire and my ego overtook the actual subtle, nuanced awareness that was necessary and needed to identify whether this would be a compatible partner for me or not.

If the microbiome isn't compatible, the person's not compatible. I keep it that simple. So these are some of the reasons why I choose not to use condoms. And I love these reasons for myself or lubricants. I don't use lubricants. I don't use them now.

I've had the good fortune of being able to still get very lubricated. And I'm at that age and stage of my life where lubrication is something that's available to me pretty easily. And as regards lubrication, this is something that we do want to put out there.

So for women who start to get more mature in age, it is very natural for the body to experience more dryness, just generally. So that affects our psyche, our nervous system. That's where we start to get vata related diseases. And I'm speaking right now ayurvedically.

So vata, pitakapa, as we start to enter into pre peri menopause and post menopause, of course, certainly this is when we're entering from pita stage of life into vata stage of life. We started a kappa stage of life as young kids, infants, into moving into adulthood.

As we enter into about, like our 20s, our past puberty, we start to enter into our pita phase. And this is fire dominant. And all of this energy of fire is important for that stage of life and what we're achieving in terms of career building a family.

Whereas as children and infants, that cuppa, that unctuousness is needed, that nurturing is needed for our growth, for healthy bone growth, for healthy growth of the body. We can equate it to, like, earth and nourishment.

Kapha, water and earth, pitta, predominantly fire and water. It's like an acid. And then we enter into Vata years, which is air, ether. And this is more wise years, right. We've experienced life.

We've gone through the stages of life that are relevant for us as humans. And now we're entering into our later stage of life where we can apply or we can share or integrate whatever it is for each person, all of the knowledge that we've embodied or that we can embody, we can start embodying, right?

We've had so many experiences and so much access to resources over all of those years relative to what we had in prior years in our own life for each person. So you enter into the Vata years and you get more mental diseases of dementia.

And these are vata related diseases related to the drying of the nervous system. Now we also have the drying of the vagina and the practice that I have seen work most for women at this stage of life.

Physical practice is the jade egg, or you can use a glass egg because it starts to massage the interior wall. We're starting to build massage the interior wall of the vagina, and we're starting to build more somatic awareness, if we haven't already built it, of our vaginal environment, of the muscles, of the musculature, of the pressure as it pushes up against the different muscular areas, different sensitivities, different sensations.

And it helps us to cultivate more lubrication internally as well, the stimulation, the sensation, or the increased capacity to feel internally. And so for me, I haven't had an issue getting lubricated.

Thank goodness I do not need to turn to lubricants. And in terms of natural lubricants that can be used in lieu of commercial lubricants, I would say if you have to turn to lubricants, number one, try the taoist tantric practices, the breath, touch, sound movement coupled with a yoni egg.

And if you'd like to work on that with me, I'm more than happy I would be so honored to take you through those practices one on one, privately. You don't have to be here in Hawaii. We can do them online together. It's not a problem. But I would say, number one, try that, right?

Because that's going to hit you on the mental, the psychic, the psychoemotional, physical and spiritual energetic levels. That's a holistic approach. And that's why we take the cultivation practices in and that's why we honor them and why they've been passed on for so many generations, so many thousands of years.

Because they work, they work, they work. And now let's say you're someone who you just have no interest in, that you're like, I'm not into that. I don't think you would be listening to my podcast if you weren't into it.

But you might know people who aren't then. If you're going to go with commercially based lubricant, find a lubricant that you can research. Call the company, email the company, do your due diligence. Right. That still work too. To identify the ph as well as the osmolality rating.

And you can google these two things to identify what the ideal ph and osmolality rating is. Let me see if I can actually find the ideal osmolality, the O rating for you. So you can see it or know it. Here it is. I found it.

Okay. The who recommends using a lubricant with a ph of 4.5 and an osmolality below under 1200 mosm per kg.

So Ky warming jelly has an osmolality rating of 10.3 thousand. So 10,300 versus 1200. So it's more than 20 times the body's normal levels.

Does that come out right? I don't know. The math is not coming out right. Exactly. But these are facts that I pulled off of a website, women'svoices. Org, which I will link. And in rodent testing, it was shown to increase the rate of herpes transmission more than sevenfold.

Astroglide has a high osmolality rating. One of them rating as high as 8.64,000. So that's 8064 me taking notes here. I'm trying to interpret them for you.

So ky warming jelly, 10,300 and then astroglide 8064 mosm per kg versus the 1200 mosm per kg.

That is recommended or something, but way below that actually is ideal. All right, moving on. So the short of it is introducing liquid into the vagina that does not meet.

So in summary, introducing liquid, in this case lubricants, into the vagina that does not meet the ideal ph and osmolality rating of 3.8 to between 4.5 and below 1200 mOsm/kg.

This would cause infections like BV and other nasty conditions to arise in the vagina. And this is why I personally choose not to use lubricants now. A lot of people like to resort to using oils, nutseed oils, instead, like coconut oil.

I still haven't figured out how to measure the ph of oil because it's a measure of actually water. But I think when they measure ph of an oil, they're measuring some sort of like neutral water immersed within the oil solution.

I honestly don't know what it is, but what I was able to pull up through some research was that coconut oil is not within the ideal pH range for a vagina. And if we're just going to keep it really simple, you really should just experiment with seeing if you're going to use a lubricant that's not commercial within these ratings that I mentioned, and that is all natural and is a nut seed oil.

You've just got to experiment and see what is it like when I put this in, like alone, not for sex, you just put it inside your vagina. Like, go ahead and place some coconut oil in there and see how your vagina responds and reacts over the course of the week. Do it once, see if there's anything that comes up in the next few days.

Try it again, maybe, and then experiment and explore. Now, something to keep in mind with this kind of a method, however, is that oftentimes something that causes imbalance in our body won't cause us to see the symptoms of the imbalance it's causing. Right.

Because it's not going to be like, oh, immediately you're going to see the imbalance. You might actually have pretty great resiliency in your body. You might have a low level of toxicity, such that when you introduce something that causes imbalance, your body can kind of bring it back into balance.

It's not reaching a threshold where symptoms are going to show. Right. This is how to sees from the ayurvedic view how it starts to progress. Right. There are stages that are very subtle, that are on an internal tissue level, but the toxicity starts to build up to a point.

It starts to travel through the body into certain areas and lodge itself in certain areas, and it starts to grow and it starts to grow to a point where you then peak or it then peaks into symptomatic experiences that express physically as rash, as some sort of discomfort.

Literally all the diseases that we have can be traced back to symptoms that came before it, and then even further to these very subtle experiences happening on a tissue level. So you have to keep that in mind. You might not even see the effect of the imbalance that it's creating in your system.

It could be that for years, but it's accumulation of you doing this that's going to cause the imbalance later. And that's why, on my end, I choose not to take the chance. Right. So I think jojoba oil, which is a wax, ultimately might be more conducive to the vagina's ph.

But honestly, I have no clue. I have not measured the pH of oil. I have no idea, no understanding of how one would measure it accurately. And oils that are cold pressed are going to have different pH's than oils that aren't because of the use of hexane or some sort of chemical that is used in the extraction process for oils that are not cold-pressed.

All right, so let's move on to contraception. So birth control, there are a few methods that can be used. There's the withdrawal or the pull up method, which, you know, I do. It works about 78% to 80% of the time.

There's also cycle tracking using an ovulation calendar, which you also know I do. So doubling that with the withdrawal or the pull out method, I imagine that would increase the efficacy of it. I don't know for sure. And then there's spermicide, which is aside, it kills sperm.

But it's not just killing sperm, it kills. So keep that in mind when. If you're putting it in you or on you. And there's peeing before sex and after ejaculation. Right. So with the withdrawal method, if I'm having sex with someone, I'm likely having sex with them.

If I'm enjoying the sex, I'm going to have a lot of sex with that person. Perhaps even after they ejaculate, if they're new to, if they haven't really done a lot of the cultivation practices around ejaculation and they have to ejaculate more than once, that's fine.

Then they've got a pee after they ejaculate and before they penetrate me again. So we have male contraception. Oh, the pill. The pill that we do. And I do not use pills or any sort of hormonal contraception, even if it's non.

I don't use God, I think I need to go into birth control on another episode. But for the most part, I'll keep it very simple. I don't use birth control pills or any sort of hormonal contraceptive. There are non hormonal contraceptives.

I don't use them because I do not want to interfere with my natural hormonal cycles. My hormones and our hormones as women, are what keeps us in tune with our body and with nature. When you introduce a chemical into the body that causes your hormones to be controlled and manipulated according to your mind, according to your desires, according to something that is not aligned with your body's natural intelligence, beyond your egoic projections of what you want for your body, that's going to take you out of your natural expression, whether you want to call that femininity, whether you want to call that being a woman, it's going to take you out of what was meant to be natural for you in this body, in this lifetime.

It will create a barrier from you being able to connect to your body because you are manipulating your hormones outside of its own natural cycle. This is absolutely not something that I want for myself.

I love the journey of tuning into my body and knowing how other actions cause imbalances or cause certain patterns to disrupt or certain patterns that are very healthy, right?

For example, if I'm working out intensely in a way that's causing a lot of cortisol, perhaps, in my body, and that's affecting my hormones, and I'm going to see that in my period, I'm going to feel that in my body. I'm going to feel it intensely, as probably cramping pain.

I'm going to see it as irregularity in my cycle. Maybe my cycle is shorter, maybe it's more intense in a certain way, but it allows me to tune into my body when we bleed. Our bleed is information about how we were living our life in the cycle before the bleed, right?

That moon cycle, that lunar month before we bled, how our diet and our lifestyle was supporting a healthy balance for us, or how it was causing some sort of an imbalance, right? And so I've learned, through connecting to my cycle in this way, how to adapt my workouts to slowly progress them so that hormones can slowly rebalance throughout a lunar cycle versus going straight and intense into something that's beyond my body's capacity to keep up with.

And so these are the reasons why I don't do a birth control. It's robbing me of my capacity to feel feminine in my nature, to tune into my lunar power to tune into me, to ensure that I'm embodying myself in its fullest capacity.

In my fullest capacity. That I'm honoring my mind, heart, body, spirit. That I can hear her, that I can feel her, that I cannot force her to be something that isn't with a natural intelligence of her own being.

I want to fully feel, and this is where pleasure comes from, that I can fully feel, that I can fully, like my senses are acute, and if they're not acute, what is it in my lifestyle that I'm doing new or different that is affecting that? And how can I adapt so that I'm fluid and in flow?

I'm not going to have that capacity if I'm fucking with my hormones intentionally. And I'm not shaming anyone who chooses that. Everyone has their own choice as to what they desire to do with their body and how they feel with their decisions.

But this is how I feel about that decision for myself and for my body. And now there's male contraceptives, right? There's the vasectomy, and then there's also less extreme the use of neem oil, which has been shown to cause.

I think it's like the death of sperm motility. It actually is a great contraceptive alternative to explore, and I encourage you to do some research on that. I haven't done thorough enough research to report back on it, but there are studies of men who used neem oil, and it's been an incredible contraceptive that didn't decrease their fertility in the long term, but it did, in the short term, allow them to completely have unfertile sex.

They've done a lot of studies in rats, and they do injections, literally through the rethral tube. I don't know what it's called right now for men. And I heard a friend on his podcast mention that you could also, or a woman on his podcast mentioned, like, you could also take neem oil, internally, ingest it.

So you'll have to do a bit of research on that. But there are other options for contraception that are more natural and that more organic, more aligned with the body's natural rhythms, and that don't have such deleterious side effects as do the current methods that we predominantly lean upon.

Right? So, like, fertility tracking is one of them, the withdrawal method along, coupled with fertility tracking is another one of them. And then this neem oil thing to explore that I know what works for me, and I'm confident with my decision, right.

And so I think it's important that men women, nonbinary, that we all do the research that we need and that's necessary for ourselves to feel confident in our decisions. And I'm talking about this now because this incredibly beautiful, gorgeous soul, the gentleman who's so fucking hot and sexy and just a delight to my soul, into my eyes, into my heart, into my pussy.

He freaked out because he hasn't done the research. He hasn't had any desire or call or need to do the research until he met me. And then he was like, oh, oopsie. Here's an experience that's awakening me to things that I'm going to want to start to bring more awareness to.

I did feel really horrible going into that experience because I had more agency over my desires than he does or did. And at the same time, I'm very forgiving of myself and also sincerely apologetic and compassionate and loving to him over his journey.

It was like a beautiful learning moment for both of us to have gone through that. Was there anything else that I wanted to mention on this podcast episode?

Yeah, I kind of really wanted to get into how beautiful it is to have this kind of, like, sex that's more about gyrating and less about jackhammering, but I think I've touched on that kind of enough.

We can go into it deeper another time. But that was one thing that was huge for both of us in our experience sexually, where we were able to communicate that we both really enjoy that gyrating or just like that consistent pressure versus the jackhammering experience.

And I'm just so grateful that he's just so open and receptive to sex in a way that brings me pleasure and to communicating around whether it's pleasurable for him too or not. And apparently, so far, what brings me pleasure brings him a lot of pleasure.

So it's great. I'm just so happy. Oh, post-nut clarity, that's what I wanted to talk about. Oh, this is so cool. When I date somebody, I like to go really deep into the experience of it, and I really like to just ensure that I'm facing the shadows that are coming up for me in the mirror of this person.

And so I talked to my mentors to help me digest and integrate and metabolize experiences when I need that support. In this case, I did. So I called up a few of my friends, and one of them specifically, he was like, post nut clarity is a thing.

And talking about basically how this gentleman kind of went through the experience with me. He was just kind of caught up in the moment, like, wow, here's this really beautiful, sexy girl. And, oh, my God, what I would do to just be inside of her. And then he gets the opportunity to come inside of me, be inside of me.

And then post nut-clarity is like, wait, shit. I did things that I'm not okay with. This is his mind, right. I want to be more responsible about how I have sex and more responsible about how we have sex. And I think he's still metabolizing in moments, whenever he puts his mind there.

I don't know how often he is, but he's still metabolizing a lot of things. Because, interestingly enough, our drives, our sex drives, can really take over our consciousness and our conscious awareness. And this is why, for me, I did the five years of celibacy.

Because I know how quickly and easily that sex drive or that erotic energy can come up and that powerful, powerful energy can subsume me completely, right. And I can default to habits and patterns that don't actually serve my highest, that aren't truly in alignment with myself.

Because that energy is not purified yet terrified, right? It's bringing things to the surface, but I'm ignoring it and pushing them away, right? I'm ignoring parts of myself that I don't want to face. And if I'm doing that and I'm pushing that away, then I'm not going to fully feel. I'm not going to fully feel pleasure. And this is also why sex for me, has been so much more pleasurable with each partner after celibacy.

Because I'm fully feeling. I'm fully facing parts of me that I haven't been facing. I'm letting the mirrors of these incredible souls. I'm letting it completely awaken me and shake the fear out of me and shake the shit out of me.

And I'm crying and I'm feeling deeply with the mirrors and especially with this last gentleman, like, oh, my lord. All the things that came up with him. I had so many parts of myself come up that I hadn't seen in so many years, since I was in my early twenties.

And I'm so grateful for the experience of him. And I so deeply love this soul. I love this man so much. And he has no idea. He probably thinks I'm just super obsessed with them. But I'm so grateful because life would not be the same if I didn't get the chance to see the parts of me that came up in his presence.

In his incredibly acute, powerful presence. And when I say presence, I don't just mean like, oh, my God, look at this soul and energy of a man. So beautiful. But I mean, like, literally, his capacity to be present. And this is what makes the difference.

All the difference when it comes to connection, is how present can you be fully in that moment? And it's not a matter of words. It's a matter of awareness, connectedness, attuning to a nervous system as you would to the nervous system of the ocean and the sky and all of the elements that he's been attuning to through his career, through his passion, through it brings him alive.

That translation into our experience is powerful, and that's just his calling in this world. That's just something that comes, that he was meant to be gifted with in this lifetime. And it brings a lot of challenge for people who have this capacity.

The gentleman that I had that cervical orgasm with over the summer, same thing. He has a lot of this, but what does he do? He kills it, and he shuts it down by smoking a lot of weed. Right. It's tough to feel. It is so tough to feel when you don't have a support network of people around you who are very mature, emotionally intelligent, very attuned to the nervous system, very safe people to be around when you don't have that strong network of people around you that you surround yourself with, when you don't have access to that support and the wisdom and the knowledge and the resources, generally, to really just allow you to feel safe in your nervous systems, and you don't want to feel.

You just don't want to feel. It's way too much. It floods you. It shuts you down. And so when you're someone who is acutely sensitive to the world in this way and not ready and not with the tools, you want to shut it down.

And that looks like for some people, and for a friend of mine specifically, he'll come on the podcast. José, it looks like smoking a lot of weed. Right? Just like, "I don't want to feel. I just want to dissociate. I just want things. I want.

What I want to feel in this moment is ease, not pain. Right. Okay. I feel like that's enough for this podcast episode. Oh, yeah.

Just highlighting the experience of sensation versus friction. Sensation versus friction. The other thing I want to mention. So, he did get injured in one of his surf sessions, and so we had sex while he was injured, and he was kind of worried about it.

He takes a lot of space. He takes a lot of space for me. We don't have sex often, and especially with this injury, he wanted to take a lot of space to just heal and to be with his injury and just have space to himself. Right.

So when we had sex, I was like, look, we can have sex. It'll be really easy. It'll be still. And I was like, look, there's more intensity with stillness. And so we had sex and I got to experience it. I got to feel it. And I think he felt it, too. He said, so whether he meant it or not, I don't know.

But he said he, because I goes, this is what you meant. But in that stillness of very subtle, nuanced movement, I can feel the intensity of him against my cervix and against the deepest core of me.

And it feels incredibly powerful. And this is where the minute movements, very minute movements, I can feel incredible blossomings of sensations through them, like pausing in that and breathing in that and moving in a way that pleasure wants to move it.

I want to feel, like every nuance of it. I don't want to get lost in just friction, just rubbing and just doing and just action. But I really just want to be present. It was so beautiful. So sensation versus friction. Yeah. Okay.

All right, so the sun has long set, it's pretty dark, and the traffic is dead. So I'm going to head home and I'm going to close this episode.

And I thank you so much for joining me.

Yeah, it's been just such an incredible journey to be here on the north shore of Oahu, to have met and had the most synchronous experiences up here and to just be receptive to the evolution that was meant to be birthed through my being as I'm here to be with my family.

That's one thing I do want to talk about, too, on another episode. To be back with my grandma while she's at her end of life. My grandma raised me for my 1st 13 years of life and to heal our relationship. To feel nothing but softness and comfort and ease and fluidity in her presence in the midst her chaos of her anger and her tantrums and her sense of unworthiness, her deep sense of unworthiness, but also to be able to face my sense of deep unworthiness and all of the mirrors that she awakens me to.

And it's been so beautiful. I've integrated so much in this last visit that I've been home so this past month where she used to react to her internal world.

And it would hurt me because she would burst out in anger spontaneously. And I would just so sensitive to that. I would always take it personal now. It's just like, it's fluid. It's like water. It's like when a water drops on a lotus and it just slides right off. It glides.

She glides. And all I feel with her is just complete, connected love and great gratitude, really, for the beauty of what my family has offered me in this lifetime, which is all this growth that I've been given through the mirrors of their own unique reflections in this life, their own unique nervous systems, their own unique challenges.

Yeah. So that's it from my new pilgrimage site, the seven mile miracle. Totally miraculous for me, for sure.

I look forward to joining all of these surfers who travel from all across the world on the water next season, maybe even the south shore once summer hits. Oh my God. Just the thought of it fights the heck out of me.

I love you all. Have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day or night and I'll tune in with you soon.

Thank you, my loves for joining me on this journey. I hope that this episode was fruitful for you. To access any resources referenced, please visit the episode page@katrinax.com where you'll find the podcast archive. If you enjoy this podcast, please subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and YouTube like and leave a review or comment and share with your friends and.